I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize