He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I need to calm my uterus...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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