Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
