tell your sister to shave her snatch
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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