i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
