Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
