My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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