if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
