Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
