Your face is a jimmy john
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
