U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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