I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
