so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
