Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
