god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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