You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
