Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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