We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
