k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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