haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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