You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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