So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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