you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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