just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
