My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
it glows. i had to have it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
