I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
