Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
