I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
