The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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