Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
