I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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