Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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