I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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