Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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