so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
