So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
