i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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