i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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