Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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