I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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