I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
