MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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