Tell her she can't have a vagina
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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