Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
