So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Randomize
