can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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