Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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