explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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