I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
