woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize