You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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