I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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