I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
