Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
