We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
